"Spiritually Speaking" by Rev. Carla Golden

Saying Goodbye

Friday was my last day at the place I worked. I spent much of the day saying goodbye, something that I hate to do. I had been working at a senior care center as a volunteer coordinator and so I had the residents, staff and my volunteers to say goodbye to over the last few days that I worked. I found it to be very emotionally draining. I came home exhausted and went to bed early.

Some of the people that I expected might be the most upset about me leaving were the ones that took it the best, at least it appeared that way. Other individuals that I thought would not care that much reacted with much more emotion. One of the residents at the center grabbed my hand and was very tearful. My heart clenched.

We never really know how goodbyes are going to be accepted by those who are on the receiving end. If the other person has recently undergone another major loss in their life, our leaving may be a reminder and may trigger unresolved grief. Endings that come during the holidays are even more apt to bring up emotions, as we're reminded of loved ones who are no longer in our lives.

There are some people that, facing a loss, go into a state of denial. There are those that withdraw, maybe to the point of not having any contact with the person who is leaving. For them, goodbye is so painful that they would just rather not deal with it.

Those leaving behave differently also. Some refuse to say anything and leave quietly, leaving those behind feeling hurt and wondering why they didn't bother to say goodbye.

Goodbyes are a chance for us to share with others what they have meant to us. When we leave without giving others the chance to share their feelings, we are doing them a disservice as well as ourselves.

Most of us don't like goodbyes, whether we're the one being left or the one leaving, but goodbyes are a part of life. There are healthy ways to handle goodbyes, however. The most important thing is to acknowledge our feelings. Rather than deny the pain and sadness that we are feeling, it helps to actually say, "I'm feeling sad." Be willing to feel the emotions that are involved. Sometimes there is anger in addition to the pain and sadness. That is normal. Part of being human is to have emotions. The important thing is to experience and process the feelings, whatever they are, and then move on. If we stay stuck in the anger or sadness we live in the past.

If there is someone you need to say goodbye to in the future, remember to feel the emotions, share your feelings, and give the person that you're saying goodbye to a chance to share theirs. You may be surprised at the impact that you've had on that person and how much they care about you. It is a healthy way of bringing closure to the relationship. And if someone says goodbye to you, keep in mind that endings always lead to new beginnings.

Transformational Leadership

There are many courses on leadership, just as there are countless theories on effective leadership. I recently encountered one that resonated with me, and I wanted to share it with you. The book I read is entitled, Building The Bridge As You Walk On It: A Guide For Leading Change by Robert E. Quinn.

The leadership style that Quinn writes about is not one in which you can emulate or teach as much as you inspire and model. It is not based on telling or forcing someone to do something, nor is it about managing or directing. It is instead about being who you are and coming from a place of personal integrity where you make decisions based on the highest good of the organization rather than your own personal good. It requires the greatest honesty and authenticity and a surrendering of ego. It requires a trust in one's own higher Self to guide and direct.

Leo Tolstoy once wrote, "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." In this form of leadership, the leader must agree to be changed at depth. It requires an authenticity and honesty--being able to admit when one doesn't know the answers, which goes against some leadership philosophies which say that one should move ahead confidently and never admit to not knowing what to do. In other words, "fake it til you make it."

In this form of leadership, one must get to know oneself. Quinn talks about the hypocrisy that we all share. We all talk about being a certain way and acting from the highest place within us, but we don't always do that. It is easier to take the easy road and stay in our comfort zone. To really live from that highest place within us at all times takes an enormous amount of courage and energy. It is something that we aspire to, but not something that comes naturally to us. The key is to come from that highest place more and more often, making it our intention to do so and monitoring ourselves on a daily basis.

In his book, Quinn does not mention spirituality, but I found the book to be very spiritual, and very New Thought. He writes on page 36 about "Becoming What You Behold and Beholding What You Become" and quotes poet and artist William Blake: "They became what they beheld." In other words, as Quinn goes on to say, "When we accept the world as it is" (or as we would see it when not seeing through the eyes of our higher Self), "we deny our innate ability to see something better, and hence our ability to be something better. We become what we behold...." The chains that bind us are 'mind-forg'd manacles," according to Blake. In New Thought, we would say that we get what we focus on or that our thoughts create our reality.

Quinn's first book on this topic was entitled, Deep Change: Discovering the Leader Within. That is the next book on my reading list. What I appreciated about Building The Bridge As You Walk On It was that it had case studies and personal stories of how other individuals and organizations came to enter into this transformational state of leadership.

I highly recommend Quinn's book, even if you do not see yourself in a leadership role. It may inspire you to make the deep changes that will then place you into a leadership role. In this day and age, this world needs more people who are transformational leaders--who will lead from a place of integrity and authenticity.

Bless My Work

What kind of work do you do? Do you see it as important or just something you do to make a living? What we do in our job is not as important as how we do it--the consciousness we bring to our daily work and the love. Here is a prayer that was written by Rev. Dorothy Piersin. It is a good way to begin our day at work.

Bless My Work

God, bless me in my work this day. May love direct and guide each hand. May kindness prompt the words I say, and thoughts be swift at Your command.

Each task is but a shining goal. In its attainment I shall strive to serve You well with heart and soul, with eager mind, alert, alive.

Be with me as I work this day and help me know that we are one, so I may hear You softly say, "Well done, my good and faithful son!"

Be with me as I work this day...

Acknowledging the Kindness of Others

I went to a new audiologist awhile back; one of my hearing aids needed some adjusting. An African-American man sat hunched over a desk focused on his work. He turned briefly to acknowledge my presence, "I'll be with you in just a moment." There wasn't much warmth in his voice; it was rather gruff.

Several minutes later, he got up from his desk and came over to where I was sitting. "How can I help you?"

I'm having some trouble with one of my hearing aids and I was wondering if you could adjust it. He took it from my hands and looked it over. While he was examing it, I asked about the picture he had on his desk of a woman and a little boy. The man's face changed immediately. It was like a doorway opened and light poured out.

"That's my wife and two-year old son. I have another one on the way."

He asked me about myself and I told him that my husband and I had moved to Kansas City from Florida. The conversation flowed easily between us.

The man looked up at me over the top of his spectacles. "I'm supposed to charge you for this," he said. Then he smiled. "But I'm not going to."

"Well, thank you." I smiled back. "What a nice surprise."

Then I remembered the SMILE Award card that I had slipped into my purse a couple of days before, just in case I observed an act of kindness.

"Here, I have something for you." I handed him the small, orange and yellow card which says: You have been observed making a difference by doing the following:

"You have made a difference in my life today by your act of kindness and I want you to have this. Feel free to pass it on to someone else."

The man looked down at the card for a moment. When he looked up, tears were pooling in his eyes.

"Thank you. You've made my day," he said.

I walked out of the audiologist's office feeling great. We had come together on that day and shared our light with each other. Who knows what kind of day that this man was having before I came. From the tone of his voice when he greeted me, it didn't seem to be a good one. But in our brief time together, we connected on the heart level. We both gave and we both received. It was a satisfying and uplifting exchange of energy.

If you'd like to find out how to obtain SMILE Award cards, go to www.smilemovement.com or email [email protected] .

Messages of Hate

Previously, Ann Coulter referred to Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards as a "faggot." Yesterday on Good Morning America, Coulter, the right-wing Republican pundit, added another quote to her list of hateful and offensive comments.

When talking about Edwards, she said with a smile, "If I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he was killed in a terrorist assasination plot."

She wishes he would have been killed? This is a woman who professes to be a Christian and who calls Democrats "Godless."

We all need to be mindful of our words and the power they have. But those who speak out in the public domain, over our airwaves and in our newspapers, need to be held accountable for what they are saying. If you do not appreciate hate-filled and offensive messages such as Coulter's, I encourage you to speak out. Write emails to ABC or a letter to the editor of your local paper.

Also, I encourage you to read Elizabeth Edward's blog post from March of this year, when she commented on Coulter's first remark. Here is a link: http://blog.johnedwards.com/story/2007/3/3/133240/0355

Kermit's Tips for Handling Difficult People

I have had a thing about frogs, ever since I heard how the word "frog" stands for Fully Rely On God. But I'm also a fan of Kermit the Frog. My sister-in-law gave me a book for Christmas entitled: Before You Leap: A Frog's-Eye View of Life's Greatest Lessons written, of course, by Kermit. Today, I happened to turn to the page Kermit wrote on handling difficult people. I thought I'd share a bit of his wisdom on how to handle those people that push your buttons.

• Be Agreeable. Remember, if you agree to go get them chocolate, chances are they'll be a lot more agreeable too. Even if it's only temporary, it's worth the effort.
• Be Firm, But Flexible. Never give in on issues that are really important to you. But be fexible on the little things.
• Show Your True Feelings. If someone is getting you hot under the collar, loosen your collar so that some steam seeps out. This may not make them less disagreeable, but the vapors are really great for you complexion.
• Dont Make Yourself A Target. I always thought that being green and blending in with things was a bad thing, but then I realized that it's great camouflage when some irate individual is looking to make my life miserable.
• Be Relentlessly Upbeat. If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with Miss Piggy, it's that "It is far better to be upbeat than to be beat up." The best defense is to not be offensive. So I always keep a smile on my face, a hop in my step and a car running just outside the door.
• Embrace Other Points of View. So the world you live in and the folks around you are crazy. It may not be normal, but this is your life, so make yourself at home and go a little crazy too.
• Tap Into Your Inner Best Self. It's natural to get upset when someone is being difficult. But I find that when you fight fire with fire, you tend to get burned. So I try to visualize my most peaceful self, the kind and wonderful Kermit who resides inside of me. And when I've successfully visualized this perfect frog, I send him out to deal with the problem.
• Give Gifts. When all else fails, give them stuff. On the other hand, this rewards bad behavior. On the other hand, it's far better to give than to receive--particularly when you're giving a gift and you're receiving a fist.

Kermit ends by saying "Do your best and treat others well, and I guarantee the best is yet to come." Makes sense to me. Thanks, Kermit.

Soul Food

My husband and I spent Easter at a friend's house--along with her husband, 11-year old daughter, and her parents who are now 87 and 92 years old. I have known this woman and her parents all my life, but this is the first holiday that we have spent together.

We had a wonderful dinner of ham, roast potatoes and asparagus, hot rolls and salad, and strawberry shortcake from scratch--not the little cakes you buy at the store. The whipped cream was fresh too, not from a can. It was a mouth-watering meal prepared with much love and care.

But the most memorable part of the day was a game that we played after dinner. It was called "Life Stories". It is a board game where cards are drawn that require you to share stories from your life.

As the game progressed, we learned more about each other than we had ever known...our childhood dreams, disappointments, heartaches, losses, embarrassing moments, and missed opportunities. We shared our first date, first love, who we most admired, what we would do if we had all the money in the world, our regrets, and our favorite teacher. During the four hours that we played this game, we laughed, cried, and marveled at how little we had really known about each other.

As each person reached the end of the game, getting their game piece into the circle in the center of the board, the instructions were for each player to share what they most appreciated or admired about that person. Tears glistened in the eyes of each person as they were told of examples of how their lives had been a blessing to others, the large and small things they had done that made a difference, and how important their presence was in that person's life. Everyone received accolades and acknowledgment for who they were and what they had contributed to the lives of us all. It was a powerful and touching experience.

My friend's husband admitted that he was sorry that it had taken a game to get him to tell his wife what he should have been telling her all along--how much he appreciated her. We all acknowledged that this was something that we, too, were guilty of.

Having lived over 50 years now, I have experienced many holiday dinners. But this was one that I will always remember. Yes, good food is always present at these get-togethers for family and friends and it is important. But even more important is the "soul food"--the love and personal sharing that we have the opportunity to experience if we reach out and really talk to one another on these occasions. Our stomachs can easily get satiated and stuffed at family dinners, but the soul food, which fills our heart, is something that we never seem to get enough of.

Beyond Words...

I had meant to continue with the series that I started on world religions, but something happened that I wanted to share with you. It was a reminder to me of looking beyond what is said and realizing that there is more to the story that what we may see or hear.

As some of you know, I also write articles for the on- line community Gather.com. Many of the articles are reprints from what I have shared with you here. This week, I felt moved to share an article called "No One Dies Alone."

In the article, I wrote about how I had learned through my experience working with the dying that most people have contact with, or a visit from, someone who has already passed over. Their loved ones seem to want to help them as they make this transition.

This was the case with my father, who desperately wanted to be met by his mother as he approached the end of his life on this physical plane. His mother had died when he was only four years old and he had never stopped thinking about her. Although he was only semi-conscious as the end drew near, he clearly said, "Mama." To me, that was a possible indication that he got his wish.

After I had posted this article, which I hoped would give others comfort, I received a comment from a young man named Soren, who was from Denmark. Soren's reply was argumentative...attacking my experiences as "theological presuppositions." As for the experiences of the dying who had witnessed these visits from loved ones, he explained it as "random synapse firings in a brain struggling to function."

At first I felt defensive towards this young man's attacks on my article and my personal experiences. Who was he to argue with me, a minister with experience in hospital and hospice work!

I quickly typed out another comment to fire back to Soren, then paused before sending it out. I was quiet for a moment and what came to me was that this young man was not being argumentative just for the sake of shooting down my experience. There was something else behind his words. It was anger, pain and confusion.

I decided to do a bit of research on Soren. I found his home site on Gather and read his profile. "Rabid Atheist" it said after "Religious Affiliation." Where it said "Describe Yourself" he had written: "As bitter as wormwood."

I was beginning to get a better picture of Soren. I looked up some of his prior comments to other articles. There I found my answer. In a reply to someone who had lost a loved one, Soren admitted that he had recently lost his brother, who was also his best friend. He wrote of the guilt he was feeling for not having called his brother the day before he died, even though his intuition had told him to do so. This young man, who was only 23, was feeling deep remorse and grief. His way of handling his emotions was to strike out in anger and frustration, especially regarding anything that might have religious overtones. If there is a God, why did he take my brother and dearest friend? might have been what he was thinking and feeling.

I wrote back to Soren, expressing my condolences for the loss of his brother. I could now understand where his words were coming from and why he lashed out the way he did. I no longer took his words personally.

In our interactions with people, we don't always have the opportunity to go back and find out what might be behind a person's caustic remarks or their behavior. Beyond what others say, there is often another story. Listen for the feelings or emotions under their words.

(In my next post, I'll continue my series on world religions and will write about "Hinduism".) 

What Is Your Message?

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked by a reporter, "What is your message?" His reply was "My life is my message."

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "What you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you say."

Both Emerson and Gandhi were saying the same thing. What we do and how we live broadcasts our philosophy, our religion, and our ethics more clearly and honestly than our words.

We have all encountered people we would consider to be hypocrites. When I was a young child going to church, I recall wondering why some of the adults would be gossiping outside after the services. Why were they speaking so unkindly of their neighbors after hearing the minister share the words of Jesus: "Let he who be without sin cast the first stone."

As you go through your day today, be aware of whether your actions are consistent with what you believe and the words that you speak. Remember, you are your message.

Meals and Memories

I was watching "Sunday Morning" today and they had a segment about families sharing meals together. There seems to be less and less of that today with family members being so busy with work and school, activities and friends. Today, children and teenagers eat in front of the television, computer or while talking on the telephone. They grab food and run out the door or use the drive-through at fast food restaurants.

I grew up in the 50's and 60's and we all sat down every night for dinner as a family as did most of my friends. My friend Marilyn's father would stand out in the yard and whistle loudly letting Marilyn and her brother know that dinner was ready and it was time to come home. We had phones, but for some reason this was just his way.

From what I heard on "Sunday Morning," sharing meals as a family has a positive impact on children. Research has found that having meals together makes children 50% less likely to smoke, use drugs or get into trouble.

It seems that this time together gives children something they need and want. Maybe it's fellowship and a sense of community and belonging. Maybe it's because when the family sits down together and eats, there is time to talk and ask questions about what is going on in each other's lives. This may be the only time when everyone sits down in one room together.

One of the things that I most loved about holidays as a child was the big family dinner. It  wasn't just the food--which was always mouth-watering and abundant. It was the fellowship, the feeling of belonging, and the love that I felt with my whole family tucked around me like a warm blanket. I was fed as much by their attention as by the food that I ate.

During the holiday dinners, let's be aware of the memories that we are making together with our families and friends. Delight in the tastes and aromas, the conversation, love and laughter. And then, after the holidays, if you are married and have children (or even if you don't), why not try having meals together as a family? You'll give your children as much emotional nourishment through this ritual as you will nutritional nourishment.